Here I Go Again!

   * So, obviously it has been a while since I have posted anything. In fact, I'm not a good blogger at all. I kind of think of it a long the lines of homework and cleaning (both make me cringe). But here and now I vow to be a better blogger, or at least check in more then once in every two years.  My life has been pretty busy as of late and I think that it was easier to write off (excuse the sort of pun) the blog then actually sit down and put my thoughts out there. So in the immortal words of Whitesnake "Here I Go Again". *

    To update everyone on my life I guess I should go back to a little over a year ago. Derek and I got the news in January 2012 that we would have to transfer for his company. Needless to say I was a bit pissed. I had established my life and made friends in OKC. Also, I really suck at change. I HATE changing things in my personal life. I like to keep the norm, call me stale but routine is always best, for me at least. Anyway, we decided to move with the company for the sake of D's job, and we are now in Tulsa, OK.  It's been about a year since the move and life is moving a long. 

     Most things are the same with us over here. I'm still in school pursuing my Elementary Education degree at NSU. D is still doing well with work, he's stressed but loves what he does. We have made many new friends here in T-town, and we are livin' it up (till about 10 then it's off to bed). We have been enjoying nights out on Brookside and Cherry Street and backyard dinners. But there is still something missing. 

   We are blessed to have all that we do, but in my heart I know that there is a hole, and empty space that my children will eventually fill.  I would give it all up to have a baby. Absolutely all of it. This past August we had started a round of fertility treatments that were the usual cocktail of pills and hormones. For what seems like the hundredth time we started the routine of taking the pills and doing what the doctor ordered so that we could have our baby.  Time marched on from that August and I didn't think anything about it, because we have had only failure I didn't think to take a test. Well, one October night we went out to eat and I felt very queasy. I thought I had ate to much and not thought much about it. I took a  pregnancy test the next morning just for sh*** and giggles. Well we got a Big Fat Positive. YAY!!!! It was such a surprise, which in hindsight it shouldn't have been. I hadn't been feeling "myself" following up to that point, but it was Fall and I thought I was coming down with something. That whole day I was on top of the world! All my dreams had finally come true. It was my time and I was so thankful to God for this blessing he was giving me. 

   

    All day I tried to think of a way to tell D and I finally had come up with the perfect way. I went to the local party store and got two balloons, one each of  "It's a boy" and "It's a girl" then tied them down and waited, and WAITED and WAITED!!! Finally D got home! He sat down in the living room and I told him to close his eyes and handed the balloons to him. He was surprised and excited, we called his parents and mine. Everyone was excited, finally a baby for us to moon over.  D and I decided this was a night to celebrate so we started to get dress and thats when my heart started to break. I started to bleed, enough to scare me. So we rushed to the E.R, where after several hours my hopes and dreams of a baby would be dashed. I started to miscarry. That is the worse pain I could every imagine. The physical pain was horrendous, but the pain I felt in my heart was unbearable. It felt like someone had ripped open my chest and pulled out my heart.  

   Needless to say that was the hardest thing that I have ever personally been through. I have had several friends that have been through the same thing, and I have always felt so bad for them. But I fully understand the loss that they felt, until that day. It is a pain that I would wish on no one, ABSOLUTELY no one.  That was 9 months ago. We would have had our precious baby in May of this year, but God needed our baby in heaven.  I have finally come to terms with our loss. Even though it still pains me when I see a mommy pushing a newborn in a stroller or see balloons on a mailbox announcing a new arrival, I know that my God has a greater plan for me and that one day it will again be my turn. 

   After that my doctor advised that I have surgery to remove cysts and clean out my tubes. We did and I have had to wait the appropriate time to heal and recover. So now we are trying again. We just completed our first round of treatments since surgery, so we will see how it goes.  

 I have full faith in my Lord that he has a greater plan then even I could imagine. I know that my blessing will come and that it is in His time. So for now we will keep trying. 

Here I Go Again!

1 Peter 5:7

Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.